Duck, Dodge, Vote, Tweet. Code a Loop for Endless Repeat.

Barbara Comstock’s daily schedule has been such a whirlwind, lately! If you’re a disgruntled constituent trudging from office to event, trying to find her, you may find it helpful to study her daily habits.* They go something like this: 

6AM: Don red clothes and coif hair. Drink coffee and listen to NPR, hoping not to hear self mentioned, unless it’s in relation to Metro. Add some Laphroaig to the mug and stare morosely into the sink.

7:15AM: Time to head into work! Slink out the door, duck behind the boxwoods. Ascertain that no disgruntled protesters are in the yard. Nobody has done that yet. But it’s happening to some other MoC’s around the country, can you believe it?! The nerve. Beat a hasty path to the non-descript Lexus SUV. Peel out and head to the office!

 Hmm. Which office, though? Not Sterling. Too many people have been showing up, unannounced. With signs, too! Make a mental note to give staff a slight pay-raise and hire a couple more interns to act clueless about official positions. Direct them to jot people’s comments on paper and then shoo them out the door.

 8:45AM: Safely ensconced in the Capitol office, it’s time to get to work. (People are less likely to visit here, right? So much effort involved!). Let’s see. What have we got to vote on today? Okay. Guns: vote to overturn an Obama administration rule designed to keep firearms out of the hands of some people deemed mentally ill. Environment: pass a resolution to undo the Obama administration’s Stream Protection Rule. Sorry. Minimizing stream pollutants and reducing gun violence are bad for business and personal liberty.

1:30PM: It’s afternoon and that coffee wore off a long time ago. Massage temples for a minute and chew some aspirins straight up. Send an intern out to get take-out. Prefer garden salad with balsamic on the side.

 3:45PM: You know, those party-line votes could be taken the wrong way by those outspoken V-10 constituents. V-10 is WAY to purple for its own good. Hmm. Social media to the rescue! Here, tweet about women’s health awareness. That should be good. …Unless people reply with more crap about wanting to keep the ACA.

Ugh. Whoops, no, this isn’t working. People are excoriating the gun vote, the stream vote and the lack of Town Halls. Why are these people so MEAN!?!?!

5:15PM: There are some loud voices out in the hallway. Is that the sound of trudging feet and the rustling of hand-lettered cardboard signs? No! Jump up and bolt the lock on the office door. Cover eyes with hands and take deep breaths like the relaxation coach recommended.

 You know what? It’s been a long, trying, thankless day. Might as well just head home.

 7:30PM: Having eaten some more take-out (bucket of extra-crispy, extra side of mashed potatoes), it’s time to take a little nip from the preferred bottle kept in that swanky wet-bar. Oh, didn’t you know? This particular McLean HOA requires one in every dwelling. Something about zoning, I don’t know.

 Till bedtime at 11:30PM:

Watch the news, catch up on Twitter. But don’t read comments on your own feed. That will lead to nightmares. Go read Trump’s, or Paul Ryan’s. They’re getting WAY more heat. It’s oddly reassuring, somehow.

 And that, my friends is probably her daily schedule, though staff won’t confirm. Study it well. *Your results may vary. Be sure to welcome Barbara to the 115th Congress. It’s going to be a lot of… no, it’s not going to be fun.

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